Brave men and Lorna's Big Night for comic Relief

Just got back from the Stand up for Comic Relief night in Bury St Edmunds. I was so hungry when I got back I made myself a piece of bread and butter to tide me over while I made a sandwich, now that's hungry. I hadn't eaten since breakfast when I was in Edinburgh. Seems like ages ago now. I was in Edinburgh yesterday doing a show for CSE Forces Entertainments who I have worked with since 1992 we worked out. It was at the Personnel Recovery Centre up there which was built by a charity I support, Help for Heroes. Our audience was described to us as Broken Soldiers. They are young men who been mentally and physically affected in the war in Afghanistan. I'm very happy to report that everyone had the best time at the show which featured one of my great friends, comedian Geoff Boyz, singer and songwriter Sinead Quinn who was accompanied by Gavin Wyatt, and topped off with the CSE dancers, Charlotte and Leanne, a welcome sight for guys who made the most of their mobile phone video cameras when the girls were strutting around. After the show we all went back for cold pizza and even colder rooms, ahh life on the road. I woke up today to a better meal, a full breakfast, and it was warm. Carmen picked me up from the airport after a record 45 minute flight, I reckon the pilot was on a promise and put his foot down. After a quick shit, shave and shower I put my suit on and got in the car to help Lorna Milton from 3 counties radio perform 10 minutes of stand up for comic relief. I'm very proud of what Lorna did tonight, she did a great job. It's getting quite late now so I'll continue this blog and give you a full report on the show tomorrow if that's okay, as the radio station will be calling in the morning and I need at least a couple of hour before then. For now, I'll leave you to read the final script of her performance. Night.

LORNA: Good evening!!! Lovely to be here tonight, doing something funny for money for comic relief.

Now when I was volunteered for this they said, don't worry Lorna we'll get you the best comedy mentor there is….. They got me a magician (pills out flowers) TA DA!!!! Yeah, and that's his best trick.

So I fired him. I mean how hard can this stand up comedy be????

(She pick up a pad and continues)…because I believe the most important thing in comedy is SPONT… (she looks down and turns the page) …TINAITY. 

(She throws the pad onto the floor) Okay, I'll level with you, The thing is I haven’t had much time to prepare for tonight, what with one thing or another. You see recently I was stopped by the police and yesterday I had to attend a meeting. Let's go back in time, and i'll show you what happened.

(HARP Sound effect)

LORNA SITS DOWN ON A CHAIR

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Welcome to the speed awareness course. You all know why you’re here but the rest of us don’t, so we’re going to go around the room and hear from each of you the circumstances that brought you here today. Lorna, why don’t you start us off?

LORNA LOOKS UP: Hello my name is Lorna and I’m an alcoholic. 

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: If I could just stop you there….that’s the wrong meeting. 

LORNA: Sorry, I’m so drunk I don't know where I am.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: That's alright, let's start again. 

LORNA:  Hello I’m Lorna and I’m a sex addict…

VOICE from OFFSTAGE:   No no no, again that’s the wrong er… are you?

LORNA:  Yes

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Well I’ll bear that in mind, but that's still the wrong meeting. Try again, but remember, this is the speed awareness course. 

LORNA: (She nods) Hello… my names Lorna and I’m a speeder, (APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT) and I haven’t sped now for 3 months. (APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)  All right, leave it. I got caught doing 40 miles an hour in a 30 limit.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Really, what gear where you in?

LORNA: Oooooooo It was a lovely little black number beautifully accessorised with some wonderful shoes……

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: No I meant …never mind. Why don’t you take us back to where it all started.

LORNA: Well for that i'll have to take you back even further in time (HARP SOUND EFFECT)

(She takes her coat off)

(to a man in the audience) You weren't expecting a stripper were you? Put your money away mate, that's as far as I go.

LORNA: (Goes to Centre stage) You see here I was all dressed up and waiting for my date. I haven’t had much luck with dates…I SAID I HAVEN'T HAD ALOT OF LUCK WITH DATES! (audience ahhhhs)

(to the man in the audience) Alright mate, I'm not that desperate.

(whispers to the rest of the audience) Actually I am.

(Mimes to the man in the audience) Call me

Where was I? Oh yes, my luck with dates. Take weed boy, no not that sort of weed. After saving someone from a pond he came straight to our date, along with half the pond.

Then there was the amateur acupuncturist, he said he wanted to give me a small prick. I didn't think it felt that bad.

In desperation I tried internet dating. So I went online. Minger, minger, minger, ooo he looks okay. So I started communicating. I asked him all the relevant questions. Is there a pond near you? Have you got a small pr…. Probably too much for a first email. He passed that test so we arranged to meet. (Looks at watch) He should be here by now (Looks around).

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Hi Lorna I’m Tom.

LORNA: HellOOOHHH NOOOO!!!

(to audience) When he turned up he was huge. It was as if he had eating my date. I was expecting Tom Cruise, not a cruise ship. I looked at his picture, I looked at him, I looked at the picture, I looked at him…It's like I was switching my TV from regular to wide screen, regular to wide screen. Still looks aren’t everything, maybe he'll be charming, please just say something witty and intelligent.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: So, Lorna…… what’s your favourite type of condom?

LORNA: I had to get out of there, and quick.

(Lorna sits back down on the chair and jigs up and down)

(to the man in the audience) I’M IN A CAR MATE, I’M IN A CAR!!! IT’S PHYSICAL THEATRE! (she tuts)

So I thought, leave the date behind you Lorna, and everything was going so well until I saw the blue flashing lights. I pulled over, prepared to flutter the eyelashes, pouted the lips and wound down the window.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Is this your car madam?

LORNA: Yes.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Could I see your licence please?

LORNA: Yes here (she mimes handing over a bit of paper) 

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: That’s a dog licence.

LORNA: Well??? I'm driving a Rover.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: It says here that you should be wearing glasses

LORNA: I've got contacts

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: I don't care who you know

LORNA: (she looks offstage) I think we're in trouble

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Don't worry the next one's funny, Do you know you were going 40 miles an hour.

LORNA: Don’t be stupid I’ve only been out ten minutes.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: See, I like that one

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Yeah, I like that one too

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: I’m afraid i'm going to have to take you down the station.

LORNA: What’s the charge?

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: There’s no charge it’s all part of the service. BAD DOOM TISH SOUND EFFECT

LORNA: So that's why I'm here at the speed awareness course, and you're lucky I made it on time at all!!! I really had to put my foot down on the 405. Don't worry, I slowed down for the camera.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: And you're still single eh? 

LORNA: (she looks to the man in the audience one last time smiles and nods. She get no reaction, looks sad and shakes her head) Yep, still single.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: You know we could finish the course over a bit of lunch, if you'd like.

LORNA: Lunch? Sounds good.

VOICE from OFFSTAGE: Great, let’s go……. now about this sex addiction thing?

LORNA: (To audience) Thanks for listening and goodnight.